Wise Man

I have been told many times that I need to find my outlet. My outlet has always been writing. Simple things. But things that make me think about what I am feeling. I guess it should be time for me to start writing here again. I have been trying to write in my journal, but I get so discouraged and can't finish anything lately. Very frustrating. I have so many things rattling around in the here head of mine that sometimes it gets all jumbled up. I wonder if it is at all possible to put in writing how I feel, how I hurt, how I feel incomplete, and sometimes even when I am in a room full of people how I feel so alone. I can't explain that horrible feeling. I try so hard to push it to the side. So hard to try and be the social person I need to be. To surround myself with the people who love me. But, sometimes I feel the emptiness of those that are missing in my life. Those that I won't see again and those that I just don't see. Sometimes those that I won't see again haunt my mind. I sometimes wish they were here just to lead and guide me in the right path. Then there are the friends and family that are here standing by my side supporting me and boosting me up even though I feel like I am falling faster and faster and get get up. I here the words to songs and they nearly break me in half. I can't listen to some songs for they hurt too much and others make me feel well. See I must be a crazy mom. I am rambling again. A wise man once told me to do what makes me happy. To take care of myself and everything else will fall in line. Why is it that by taking care of me and allowing everything else to fall in line, which it has been, hurts. I am happy. I am working. I am seeing my kids as much as possible. I am fighting. I am strong. I am not giving up. I am not letting up. I am a force to recon with and if you piss me off I won't get even, I will get ahead, as I have been told by another wise man in my life. I have four beautiful children who I love with all my heart. I would lay down my life for them and do it again and again if need be. I have a man who loves me and wants to be in my life. Wants to share my life with me and allow me to share in his life with him. I have friends who are by my side through thick and thin. Who don't give up on me. I have people in my life that I feel like I have given up on them, when in reality I just pushed away because I didn't know what else to do. I ran when things got rough and tried to take care of me. See I am rambling again, but I have to say it feels good to get this out of me. I guess this has been haunting my thoughts. This has been making me sick inside and that I do not like. I am strong. I am not weak, but I do have weak moments. I am strong, but I have moments when my strength isn't enough. I wish I was superman. I wish I could take it all on, but I know that I am only me. I can live with that for now. Till next rambling session...

I watched a really good movie the other night and it inspired me to want to start blogging. I don't do anything special, I am not interesting in any way. I do feel however that I have a very full plate. I am working really hard on getting my Medical Billing and Coding Certificates so that I can work from home hopefully. I have been unemployed for almost a year now and to tell you the truth I sometimes feel like I don't have a purpose. I mean I know that I am here to take care of Scott and the kids, but sometimes I feel like that is all I am here for. Serving them. I sometimes wonder if there is anything else out there for me. I know that there is. I know that the world is my playground.

I guess what I am trying to say is I need to find myself. I feel a little lost in life right now. Is that normal. I will be 35 in May and I don't feel like I have done anything special or worth remembering. I mean, I work hard for the kids. I do have a full plate dealing with the keep up of their diabeties. That is a full time job sometimes. But, that doesn't make me feel special. That just makes me feel normal. I know that people say that being a mom and wife is a fulfilling job and I should feel good about that. I just feel like I don't have an identity of my own. I am known as Scotts' wife, or Tori or Logan or Zakk or Judes mom. I want to be remebered and know for me.

Okay my rambling is just that. Rambling. I feel like I am ranting and whining when I don't have any place too. What now?

Life Continues...

I have been so busy lately that I have failed in posting any blogs. I guess I just was looking for something to do this afternoon since I feel like blah. Life has been rough. Scott's grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago and then Tori got really sick. She ended up in bed for over a week and had to have medicine. When that little girl gets sick she really gets sick. I just wish that she didn't get so sick. It is really scary.

I have been trying to decide why I am feeling so blah as of lately and I think it is because I feel like my life is going nowhere. I feel like I am doing the same thing every day and that there is no change. Even the constant doctor appointments are starting to feel like normal. I feel like I see the same doctors so much that I am becoming close friends with them. I know that this is stretching it, but I see them so often.

Scott's band had a show this last Friday night. It went really well. They will be headlining next month. I am happy for them. I hope that this leads to something for them. All they really want is to be rock stars. They are living their dream and I can't stop that and would not want to. They love this life and I even think it can be exciting.

The Week is Almost Done!

Well, all I can say is that at least this week is almost over. I will have to work for several hours tomorrow meaning I am only getting Sunday off, but that is okay. I could really use the hours on my check. We seem to be in this holding pattern where nothing is happening but everyday life. I almost feel like I can breath again, but to be honest I am afraid of letting myself feel the comfort of no major problems. I guess I am coming to realize that my life is full of stress and issues. My boss always tries to tell me that they are not issues, but opportunities. I don't know about that yet.

Scott's band has their first show in a long time tomorrow night. I am happy for the guys and am hoping that it goes well, but am very thankful that I am able to sit this one out with the kids. They don't need to be at a house party staying out late and I didn't try to find a sitter for the night. I am looking forward to a quite evening at home with my children trying to catch up on all my laundry.

We had to go and meet with a counselor yesterday for Tori. The first meeting was just for Scott and I and in two weeks she will get to go in for her first session followed by a session for Scott and I. I was really nervous and a little on the defensive side. I wasn't sure how this was going to go over. I think we surprised the counselor when we fully admitted that Tori needed some help because of all her stress and anxiety. My poor little girl. I am hoping that this works for her because I want to see the sparkle back in her eyes. She use to always smile and laugh and her eyes always lit up. Now, she does smile and laugh, but not as much. And her eyes, they always look so tired and sad. I hope that the counselor can help her. I am afraid of how depressed she is for a nine year old.

Scott and I had a chance to talk the other day, you know one of those rare minutes when we didn't have any children around. He is starting to feel the pain of of illnesses. The stomach and digestive problems have him really worried. I keep telling him that just because of bunch of doctors say that he might have 3 years left to live doesn't make them right. I keep saying that we are going to prove them wrong, but how much pain can his body handle before it just quits. I am scared of loosing him, but know that I have to have a strong front for the kids. I just know that I have so much family and friends who love me and I know that they are always there for me. I also know that this writing is helping me.

Okay, enough with my babbling.

In The Beginning!

I have decided after reading a friends blogs that this might be a good thing for me. Just some place to go and write what I am feeling, what I am doing, and maybe get a few things off my chest. Life has been crazy and just seems to keep getting crazier by the minute. Let me back ups just a little bit. My older two kids, Tori and Logan, are insulin dependent Diabetics. Zakk has seasonal allergies, and my husband just has a lot of medical problems and the doctors keep saying that best case he has 3 years left. I first off don't want to believe the doctors and so I am fighting that statement every day. Tori has been really sick and her diabetes has gotten out of control. My little girl takes a lot on in the world and she does not handle stress well. When she is stressed her blood sugars start running really high and that is what has been happening. She has been hospitalized twice in the last 4 weeks and is finally doing a little better. I just don't know how much more I can handle of this. I am worried about the health of my family and am working hard everyday to keep everyone moving in the right directions, but some days it feels like instead of taking a big step forward I am falling backwards. I wish that I could jump to where the grass is greener and maybe feel a little less stress, but I just don't see that happening any time soon to be honest. I am working every chance I can get because of how much work I have been missing between doctor appointments for Tori and Scott. I have to attend all of Tori's appointments and almost all of Scotts. I hope that there will be a break soon. Thank goodness for friends and family.