Wise Man

I have been told many times that I need to find my outlet. My outlet has always been writing. Simple things. But things that make me think about what I am feeling. I guess it should be time for me to start writing here again. I have been trying to write in my journal, but I get so discouraged and can't finish anything lately. Very frustrating. I have so many things rattling around in the here head of mine that sometimes it gets all jumbled up. I wonder if it is at all possible to put in writing how I feel, how I hurt, how I feel incomplete, and sometimes even when I am in a room full of people how I feel so alone. I can't explain that horrible feeling. I try so hard to push it to the side. So hard to try and be the social person I need to be. To surround myself with the people who love me. But, sometimes I feel the emptiness of those that are missing in my life. Those that I won't see again and those that I just don't see. Sometimes those that I won't see again haunt my mind. I sometimes wish they were here just to lead and guide me in the right path. Then there are the friends and family that are here standing by my side supporting me and boosting me up even though I feel like I am falling faster and faster and get get up. I here the words to songs and they nearly break me in half. I can't listen to some songs for they hurt too much and others make me feel well. See I must be a crazy mom. I am rambling again. A wise man once told me to do what makes me happy. To take care of myself and everything else will fall in line. Why is it that by taking care of me and allowing everything else to fall in line, which it has been, hurts. I am happy. I am working. I am seeing my kids as much as possible. I am fighting. I am strong. I am not giving up. I am not letting up. I am a force to recon with and if you piss me off I won't get even, I will get ahead, as I have been told by another wise man in my life. I have four beautiful children who I love with all my heart. I would lay down my life for them and do it again and again if need be. I have a man who loves me and wants to be in my life. Wants to share my life with me and allow me to share in his life with him. I have friends who are by my side through thick and thin. Who don't give up on me. I have people in my life that I feel like I have given up on them, when in reality I just pushed away because I didn't know what else to do. I ran when things got rough and tried to take care of me. See I am rambling again, but I have to say it feels good to get this out of me. I guess this has been haunting my thoughts. This has been making me sick inside and that I do not like. I am strong. I am not weak, but I do have weak moments. I am strong, but I have moments when my strength isn't enough. I wish I was superman. I wish I could take it all on, but I know that I am only me. I can live with that for now. Till next rambling session...